F*ck Dating Apps

You Don't Need the Right Words

When you're worried about running out of things to say, talking to women can feel like a skill you somehow missed. Then you spend one night with your friends and don't think about what to say once.

Think about when you're around your boys at a campfire, shooting the shit at a buddy's house, or out for dinner. Nobody is sitting there thinking, What do I say next?

One story reminds you of something that happened to you, so you tell yours. Somebody else jumps in, a random detail brings up another memory, and before long you've bounced through ten different topics. Three hours pass without you noticing.

Put an attractive woman in front of you, though, and suddenly you're only half listening. The other half of your brain is scrambling to keep the conversation alive.

What do I say next? Am I boring her? What if my mind goes blank?

While you're searching for an answer, you miss something interesting she said. By the time she stops talking, you have no idea what to say because you weren't listening closely enough.

Before and after hello

You can get stuck before a conversation or after it begins. Both feel like the same problem because both leave you thinking you don't know what to say.

The first happens before the conversation starts. You see her, want to walk over, and begin giving yourself reasons to wait.

I'll wait until she's done texting. Maybe she's waiting for somebody. I'll go after this song. I need something to say first.

The longer you go back and forth, the less likely you are to start.

It reminds me of a rookie basketball player who gets the ball with an open shot and still hesitates. He catches it, looks for the defender, looks at the rim, takes one unnecessary dribble, and loses the opening. He knew how to shoot. He just thought about it until the chance disappeared.

You can talk yourself out of a conversation the same way.

The second problem begins after you've already walked over. You say hello, get past the part you spent all that time dreading, and then your brain goes, Fuck, now what?

You might be able to start a conversation with almost anyone, then panic because you think every lull is yours to fix and every moment needs to be entertaining. Or you might be fine once you're talking but spend twenty minutes convincing yourself to begin.

A familiar way to start might get you through that first hesitation. It won't help much if you disappear into your head once the conversation is underway.

What happens after the line

Maybe you memorize a way to start, walk over, and deliver it perfectly. She smiles and keeps talking. The opening did its job, but only for that first moment. The rest is unpredictable, so even a guy with fifty ways to start can feel lost the second she says something he didn't expect.

Maybe she tells you she just moved here from Australia. Instead of hearing that and wondering what brought her here, you're searching a mental filing cabinet for question number three.

Think about talking to a customer service representative who's reading from a script. They may be trying to help, but you still want them to drop it and talk to you like a normal person. Waiting for your turn to use the next thing you memorized means you're not really responding to what she just said.

Having one or two simple ways to start can still help when you're new. Think of them as a fire starter: enough to get the conversation going, then you have to listen to what she actually says.

Real conversations won't follow the plan in your head. She might surprise you, disagree with you, change direction, or bring up something you know nothing about. No script can cover all of that.

Where the next thing comes from

Let's go back to the Australia example from earlier. She tells you she just moved here.

There are already plenty of places to go. What brought her here? What does she miss? What has surprised her since she moved?

I think of it as pulling a thread. When something catches your interest, stay with that part and see where her answer goes. If it reminds you of something that happened to you, share it. Now you're both bringing something to the conversation, so it doesn't feel like an interview.

A pause doesn't mean something has gone wrong either. You're allowed to have nothing brilliant to say for a few seconds. If you panic and fill the silence with something you don't care about, you only create more pressure for yourself.

You don't need to come up with words faster. Listen to what she said, add whatever genuinely comes to mind, and let it build from there.

When talking still feels mechanical

At first, doing any of this probably won't feel natural.

Think about the first time somebody drives a car. They're thinking about the gas, the brake, turning left, turning right, and how to move their hands around the wheel. They have to remember each part because none of it is automatic yet.

After enough driving, they stop consciously working through every movement and can focus on the road instead of reminding themselves how to use the pedals.

Your first conversations with women may feel just as mechanical. You notice every pause, every moment of eye contact, and nearly every word coming out of your mouth.

The more conversations you have, the more familiar those first few moments become. You don't have to think through every tiny part, so you can hear what she says and decide what you actually think.

You don't wait until you feel completely comfortable and then start talking to women. You have the conversations, they start feeling less demanding, and the comfort follows.

At first, talking to women will probably feel awkward simply because you haven't done it much.

Even with practice, your mind will still go blank sometimes. A rough moment doesn't mean you need another script.

Once you're no longer fighting for every word, you're left with a different question: what do you do when you genuinely like her and want to see her again?